fakename: A glowing Valia hovers over a schoolgirl with sword (yuko)
[personal profile] fakename
Logan talking about memories. Nothing objectionable. (Comic canon, and shoulda been canon - which is to say, trying to get a Logan who's not RARGH RAMBO.)


He wrote notes to himself. Well to be more accurate, he wrote notes about things he could remember, folded them a couple times, and carried them around in his jacket pockets until he decided they were true. They mostly got tucked in the folder behind the big shelf, near the beat up copy of Herodotus.

Xavier asked once if they were for Beast. Logan grumbled and tried to not look over Xavier's head. "How do you know about them?"

"Someone mentioned that you were writing something in the kitchen, and Cyclops asked if he should mention being careful about people getting a hold of private information about the school." Xavier probably meant this to sound calming, and it was probably a decent job of it.

Still, Logan turned and walked over to look out the window. He wasn't hearing the standard "just happened to have cameras on you" kind of talk, but - "They're just stuff about my past, Chuck. I'm not stupid enough to write down specifics about security concerns and carry them outside of the school."

"I'm sure we could try to help you get your memories back," Xavier said. He was looking up at him and they had about two feet between them. There was a good escape route out the window, or running for the door. ADA compliant hallways did help with paranoia. Or made it worse. "Are you listening to me, Logan?"

"It won't work. My mind's enough of a mess, and I don't want you or Jean to deal with it." Logan sat on the ottoman so he was at least looking the professor in the eyes. "I . . . ." Xavier wasn't saying it, and Jean wouldn't say it. "I know the school wouldn't try to brainwash me."

"Of course not," Xavier reached to touch his arm. "I believe very strongly in medical ethics, and the sanctity of -"

"And I'm sane enough." Logan interrupted, mostly so he'd have an excuse to look anywhere else. "They're just notes about what I remember. For me. If I forget."

"Wolverine -"

Logan looked back at Xavier, who looked like he was focusing as much on his mind as his face.

"We'd remember you. All you have to do is talk to us."

Logan was pretty sure his folder was kind of - an open secret. He lugged it down to Hank once, when they were upgrading the databases and Hank wanted something other than Logan's initial paperwork. Hank kind of - got it. It didn't change that he was a doctor, and Logan would sooner scrub the smell and existence of medical equipment in general from his life, but - he understood.

He understood that Hank was always Hank when Logan was hurt. And that Logan tended to talk the entire time someone was trying to evaluate exactly how messily he ruined his suit / muscle mass. It was usually baseball. Sometimes food. Occasionally the weather, but it was a pain to keep the conversation going.

Logan kind of dumped his folder on Hank's desk, and - Hank let him leave so he could read it. Which was good really, because Logan didn't want to sit and watch Hank's face the entire time. The fact that Hank called him in later to talk it over was unsurprising. It had everything he was able to find when he was in Alpha Flight. The Weapon X lab that may or may not have been the lab. Someone managed to find some reel to reel recordings that may've been him. They kind of - Logan at Alpha Flight was always like people faced with something that they could neither handle nor abandon. They tried their best. The person that found those tapes must've listened to them first. They apologized to him.

Admittedly, there wasn't much there. Just some man's voice that Logan knew was his even if it sounded nothing like him. Some names. Some numbers. Some rambling. Logan's brain skittered around and refused to focus on the fact that he sounded pained (of course he did, he remembered Weapon X - or he remembered the memories he was given -) Still, someone managed to get them transferred to a cassette tape. Got them transferred to a CD. He didn't listen to them.

There were some photos too. Him, a young man in a mining town near Alberta, with a pack of other guys covered in mud. They all smoked like chimneys and had hands that looked rough as the rubble around them. One of him in Chicago in the 20's wearing a poorly fitting suit and carrying a briefcase. He worked for a detective agency, and his photo was taken when the detective was involved in some trial. In 1916, he, or someone like him, got a college degree. In the photo, his face was a little blurred, but he was near the front due to his shortness, and his hair looked like it was barely smoothed down.

Alpha Flight did the usual sort of tests. Checked for allergies, made sure he didn't have catastrophic reactions to common sedatives, and asked him to do therapy. He had the names and numbers to get his case files, but never did. The therapists were experts with dealing with shell shock and vets (which wasn't a bad idea, really,) but - Logan doubted it did much good. They tried.

Hank - got it. That wasn't a very useful statement, but it was true. Hank understood when Logan wanted to call him by a name and not a code name. He understood that Logan talked to keep his brain in the here and now, and to know that the person he was talking to was listening to him. He also, more than once, just sat down and passed coffee over to Logan and waited till Logan got words into sentences and stopped bottling up things he didn't want to talk about.

Logan tried to do the same for him.

The thing with Bruce - well, the thing with Hulk was odd. Logan was in Alpha Flight, and Hulk was in town. He felt like he was useless then. Too many nightmares and too many questions that had no good answer, and too twitchy at shadows. They asked him to try to stop Hulk, and he did.

Bruce Banner's problems weren't Weapon X, and he had his memory. His anger issues were something that Logan understood. Logan didn't have any good way to deal with his and neither did Hulk. Fighting with Hulk was kind of - the guy wanted a fight, Logan could handle it, so why not? Let them get the anger out, avoid smashing a town or wasting military time, and everything would be fine. They'd talk too. Kind of awkward rumbling about their issues. Logan didn't think Hulk listened to him, and half the time he couldn't understand what set Hulk off that time, but - they talked. He didn't think about the fact that Hulk seemed to remember their conversations. He didn't think about the fact that Hulk popped up once near that shell of the Weapon X lab and left a trail of destruction through it.

Fighting Hulk wasn't like Sabretooth. Sabretooth was all insults and power games and implications that Logan was tiny in more ways than one. Sabretooth reeked and fought with brute force and a complete lack of subtly because he didn't have to care. They didn't talk, and they had nothing to talk about. Logan had some photos with Sabretooth in them from his past. A few military ones that usually had Sabretooth caught in the middle of blinking. Sabretooth still set his teeth on edge even in them.

That was his folder though. Some photos. Some lab tests. A CD with a crackly voice and sounds he didn't think about. Some reports about Hulk. Some reports about Sabretooth. His little pile of notes, which were repeating most of that - and he didn't like to think that his brain forgot that he wrote something down.

It was good enough for Hank.

With Xavier, it was different. Part of it was that Logan thought he'd sooner just be able to skim the surface and get what he was looking for without having to wait for Logan to find words and arrange them into sentences. Since Logan's brain was basically - the best description he got was that it was like scar tissue and landmines wrapped up with a bunch of lies trying to pretend to be real memories. Xavier was the head of the school. His commanding officer (if you ignored Scott.) Logan didn't want to dump a beat up folder with a cd and a pile of truths and lies in front of him and say that no - this was it. That was him.

Xavier probably would've said that no, he wasn't Weapon X. That it was fine that his scraps of information were so disorganized and in such poor shape. That he felt for all the things that happened. That if he just gave them time, they could figure out what were lies and leave him space to push together the scraps of truth.

Logan still didn't want to show him the folder.


fakename: A red winged blackbird with the text "A fake name, Rav." (Default)

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